god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
