hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
