You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
