So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
