Have you finally orgasmed yet?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
