dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
