i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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