Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
