Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
