What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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