i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
