last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
