Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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