I must be too annoying 4 u.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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