Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
