That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
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