Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
