I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just invented taco cereal.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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