i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
