I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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