Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
