Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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