My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
