I'll bet she douches with gravy.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
