Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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