a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
