a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
