At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
