I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Randomize
