y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
