Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
