is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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