we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
