Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My cat gives me a boner
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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