sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
