My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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