the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
