Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
