Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
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