This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
