Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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