I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
