I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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