You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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