do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
