It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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