Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
