96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
