I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
