I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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