I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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