I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
