Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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